This time last year, right after Thanksgiving, mom went back into the hospital. She had gotten really sick and ended spending a couple days there. I guess you could say that after Thanksgiving, was when her down spiral began. Because she ended up going back and forth for several weeks, she spent Christmas in the hospital, came home for New Year's and then went back again in January until she passed in March.
Everyone in my family seems to be adjusting (as much as you're able to when you lose something you love so dearly), but things just won't be the same without her.
My mom was like a bright light in a dark room. She smiled alot, her laugh was warm and infectious and she could talk to anyone about anything. She loved all her family and showed it everyday through her actions and her words.
And though I miss her terribly, I am so thankful to have had her. I can't imagine what my life would have been like without her....who I would have been without her.
However, I am still on the roller coaster of grief.
I have found comfort in God, my family, my friends and church.....for which I am thankful for as well.
I am still able to laugh and smile. Yet I must admit that the cloud of sadness is always close by.
I don't cry everything day, but the tears come. Usually at the most random times, but they come. It can be in response to something that reminds me of her or just the overwhelming feeling of loss.
I didn't go to church today (tired and trying to get a cold), but I did listen to a sermon on the Internet. The sermon focused on the scripture in Ephesians 4:27...do not give the
And what I got out of the message was that if I give the devil a foothold, a place or a door into my heart and my life, he will come in and make a mess of things. And because he feeds off of negativity; the more I dwell on the bad, on the sad, on the grief...the more it will multiply.
The devil wants to end me. He wants to see me dry up and give up. And there are days...weeks...where that's all I want to do...give up.
But I have to believe there is a purpose for my life. That God has given me gifts and talents that he is going to use. I don't see if clearly, but I'm going to keep pressing on in faith...no matter how many times I get knocked down. And lately it seems that I get knocked down everyday.
But I have to remember that I can't sit in it, I can't stew in my own depression, anxiety, sadness and negativity. I've got to keep crying out to God, just like I did when my mom was sick. I've got to keep reaching out my hands and my heart to him.
I have to keep reminding myself to not be angry.
Things will turn around (in time). My heart will heal (in time). God will use me for great things (in time).