My Beautiful Mother

My Beautiful Mother
On our road trip to New Orleans, summer 2008.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

ENTRY #1: Where do I go from here?

It's been 8 days since my mom passed. And what an 8 days it has been.

I can't sleep. Mateo just came in, he had a bad dream.

There is a huge void in my life and my heart now that my mom is gone. As I prepare to "re-enter" the world on Wednesday (going back to work), I don't know how to go back to my regular routine without her.

I've been reading about the stages of grief and it is alot to process:

1. Shock
2. Pain and guilt
3. Anger and bargaining
4. Depression, reflection, loneliness
5. The upward turn
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance and hope

Man that's alot! When it comes to emotions, I'm not a very patient person...atleast not with myself. Maybe I used to be, but I'm not so much anymore.

I don't know if it's because of the depression I went through for several years after Mateo was born. That was such a difficult time in my life and I don't want to go back to that place again.

Since mom died, I have been a jumble of emotions. But right now, I think the pain of it is all is hitting me the hardest.

I fully accept that it was mom's time and that only God knows why, but I still want her back. I want to be able to pick up the phone and call her. I want to drive up to Canton, pull up to my parents house and walk through the door back to her room and find her sitting there watching TV.

I want to hear voice and have her tell me what or what not to do. I want my mom..

And right now, in this moment, I'm afraid. Why? Because life is so fragile. I always liked the saying, carpe diem (seize the day), but man does that take on a different meaning when you've lost someone.

There is this part of me that wants to just retreat within myself and fall apart...unravel stitch by stitch. The part that just wants to be selfish and say "Whoa is me."

But then there is this other part of me that refuses to let that happen. That part, says "You know what, yes it sucks that mom died. And yes you are going to miss her and you are going to be sad, but you have to live life. You can't just give up. If mom saw you giving up, she would kick your butt."

I feel pain because I wanted more time with mom. I feel pain because although I spent alot of time with mom, I could have spent more.

It's such a paradox. On the one hand grief takes time. And when grieving you're not supposed to rush it, you just let it happen naturally...allow yourself to be sad.

But at the same time, if you grieve too long (whatever too long is), then you are missing out on opportunities to live. You are missing out on opportunities to create new memories with the people you love that are still here. If you allow your grief to consume you, it might contaminate your other relationships.

But then the pendulum swings back the other way and you feel like you are dishonoring your deceased loved one because you laughed or did something fun without them.

Logically, I know that it's not going to make sense. Feeling and emotions are complicated.

So through this first year without mom, I'm going to share what I'm feelings with whoever wants to listen.

My goal is to write atleast once a week for the next 52 weeks.

And it is my sincere hope that at the end of the 52 weeks, I will be a stronger individual and have more clarity about mom's death. That I will learn how to take on the difficult task of honoring my mother's memory while at the same time learning to walk through this life without her here. How to keep her memory alive in my mind and heart, without feeling the sting of her death as intensely as I feel it now.

And in 52 weeks, I am anxious to see what God will do with my life. How he will use me.

And yes, I know my journey will not stop at 52 weeks, but it is the timeframe I am focusing on right now.

Well I'm going to try to get some sleep now.

-ShaWanda