My Beautiful Mother

My Beautiful Mother
On our road trip to New Orleans, summer 2008.

Friday, May 20, 2011

ENTRY #5: Don't want to forget

Well, it's been a while since I posted.

I've decided instead of labeling my posts by weeks, I'm going to call them entries. However, I do still plan to do 52 entries over the course of this first year without mom.

Today is two months. Alot has happened in that time. My family and I have had our first Easter, Mother's day, dad's birthday and sister's birthday without mom. Mother's day was the hardest for me.

I'm at a place right now that I'm settling back into normalcy. However, my life isn't normal anymore.

And it's hard because the more I think about mom, the more it hurts. So I try not to think about her, but I don't like that either. Because I don't want to forget her. It's an endless cycle of confusion in my head.

One of the things mom wanted for me was to get healthy. I haven't been doing so well in that department...desserts are my Achilles heel. Logically, I know it's a coping mechanism to help deal with my pain. Yet, it just tastes so good.

I try not to beat myself up too much about it, but at the same time I don't want it to get out of control either. I know its all about baby steps when it comes to embracing a healthier lifestyle, but I'm not quite ready yet.

I've been getting out some, but I still find it comforting to be at home...in the quiet with my thoughts or just spending time with my family.

Can I tell y'all how wonderful my husband is? And my son? They have been such a great support to me through all of this...mom's illness and passing.

They both have been patient with me and are always there when I need a hug or a shoulder to cry on.

And lately, we have just been really connecting as a family.

This past weekend we were having the most loveliest weather in our area. The temperature was mild and the sky was beautifully clear.

So Sunday afternoon, we packed up some food, drinks and games and headed to the park to BBQ. It was so nice. Mike and I navigated the outdoor grill and got some good stuff going. Mateo played on the playground with some other kids and then we ate together as a family.

Afterwards, Mateo ran around some more while Mike and I played cards at the picnic tables. Toward the end of the evening, we met a very nice couple and chatted with them a bit. Finally, we packed up and headed home.

It was an almost perfect day. For those few hours, I took all my pain and anxiety and put it in a little box in my heart. I closed the lid and allowed myself to just be happy. It was refreshing.

Yet, hat night I cried, because those are the kind of days I can never have with mom anymore.

But, I am thankful for the glimpses of hope of a happy and fulfilling life ahead. A life where I will still miss mom and desire for her to be here, but a life where "You [God] have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy. Psalms 30:11