My Beautiful Mother

My Beautiful Mother
On our road trip to New Orleans, summer 2008.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Entry #8-So much to think about

So I went to church this morning. I really love the people at my church.

The pastor said some things day in the message that I've heard before, but I still don't really know how to do:

  • Start where you're at
Where I'm at is a very unhappy and unsettling place. It's a place I don't want to be, but I've been there so long. I'm a glass is half-empty kind of girl. I see the bad before I see the good. So if that's where I'm starting from, how do I see the world differently?
  • You've got to be all in
I don't know what all in means. I get the concept, but I don't really know how to apply that in my own life. Because to be honest, I'm tired. I'm tired of trying so hard and not bearing fruit, not prospering and not feeling like my life is purposeful.
  • Don't let your past (good or past define you)
That's a doozy. The mistakes of my past are still struggles in present. So how do you not let something from your past define you, if you are still living through the consequences of your past. And the good from my past was a time when I was more hopeful. Life seemed to have more possibilities. I still believed in the goodness of God.

So where does that leave me this evening....with alot to think about. I could pray, but what would I say.

Entry #7: Struggling

Last night I went to my book club and we read a book called "Left to Tell". In a nutshell, the book is about this woman who survived the Rwandan genocide. However, she lost most of her family and friends in the process.

I thought the story would give me hope. I thought that after reading the story I would have renewed faith. I thought I would look up from the pages and think "If this lady can still trust God, so can I." But that's not what I felt at all.

I have been struggling lately to believe in God's goodness. When I look at a story like hers, I can easily recognize the times where one would say that God spared her life for a purpose. However, in the back of my mind and in my heart, I just keep wondering why something so horrible had to happen in the first place.

I struggle every day to hold steadfast to my faith.

I know that everyone has their own HLS (hard luck story), but that doesn't change the fact that I miss my mom. I know that things could be worst, I know that I have many things to be thankful for...but I miss her.

My son and I were in the car together a few weeks ago, when we passed a sign that said "Celebrating Cancer Survivors"

And I hear him say, " I wish grandma would have survived." What do you say to that? I know what I am supposed to say...trust in God's will, it was her time, etc, etc.

I am struggling to piece together God's will and his purpose in all this.

It is hard for me to pray these days because I feel that no matter what I pray, if it's not what is in God's will...then it's not going to happen.

Because I prayed so hard for my mom not to die and she still did. And there was nothing I could do about it. We quoted scripture, the elders of the church prayed for her and laid their hands on her....but she still died.

Where was God?

I've tried to not be angry and to not be mad. But I'm FURIOUS!!! I wanted my mom to survive.

I want to be able to call her and see her and to hug her. I am so appreciative for the rest of my family, friends, church, etc....but no one will be ever be able to replace my mom. I don't have a mother anymore. And I'm mad that she is gone.

I'm struggling....