Entry #8-So much to think about

So I went to church this morning. I really love the people at my church.

The pastor said some things day in the message that I've heard before, but I still don't really know how to do:

• Start where you're at

Where I'm at is a very unhappy and unsettling place. It's a place I don't want to be, but I've been there so long. I'm a glass is half-empty kind of girl. I see the bad before I see the good. So if that's where I'm starting from, how do I see the world differently?

• You've got to be all in

I don't know what all in means. I get the concept, but I don't really know how to apply that in my own life. Because to be honest, I'm tired. I'm tired of trying so hard and not bearing fruit, not prospering and not feeling like my life is purposeful.

• Don't let your past (good or past define you)

That's a doozy. The mistakes of my past are still struggles in present. So how do you not let something from your past define you, if you are still living through the consequences of your past. And the good from my past was a time when I was more hopeful. Life seemed to have more possibilities. I still believed in the goodness of God.

So where does that leave me this evening....with alot to think about. I could pray, but what would I say.

Entry #7: Struggling

Last night I went to my book club and we read a book called "Left to Tell". In a nutshell, the book is about this woman who survived the Rwandan genocide. However, she lost most of her family and friends in the process.

I thought the story would give me hope. I thought that after reading the story I would have renewed faith. I thought I would look up from the pages and think "If this lady can still trust God, so can I." But that's not what I felt at all.

I have been struggling lately to believe in God's goodness. When I look at a story like hers, I can easily recognize the times where one would say that God spared her life for a purpose. However, in the back of my mind and in my heart, I just keep wondering why something so horrible had to happen in the first place.

I struggle every day to hold steadfast to my faith.

I know that everyone has their own HLS (hard luck story), but that doesn't change the fact that I miss my mom. I know that things could be worst, I know that I have many things to be thankful for...but I miss her.

My son and I were in the car together a few weeks ago, when we passed a sign that said "Celebrating Cancer Survivors"

And I hear him say, " I wish grandma would have survived." What do you say to that? I know what I am supposed to say...trust in God's will, it was her time, etc, etc.

I am struggling to piece together God's will and his purpose in all this.

It is hard for me to pray these days because I feel that no matter what I pray, if it's not what is in God's will...then it's not going to happen.

Because I prayed so hard for my mom not to die and she still did. And there was nothing I could do about it. We quoted scripture, the elders of the church prayed for her and laid their hands on her....but she still died.

Where was God?

I've tried to not be angry and to not be mad. But I'm FURIOUS!!! I wanted my mom to survive.

I want to be able to call her and see her and to hug her. I am so appreciative for the rest of my family, friends, church, etc....but no one will be ever be able to replace my mom. I don't have a mother anymore. And I'm mad that she is gone.

I'm struggling....

Entry #6-Mom's birthday

I've been pretty silent on my blog for the past couple of months. Yesterday was 5 months since we lost mom and today is her birthday. She would have been 53 today. My sister and I would have gone up to the house today. We would have cooked something on the bbq and just spent time hanging out together as a family with mom and dad.

I'm still trying to deal with this all. My mind understands that people dying is just a part of life. My spiritual side understands that because she was a believer and that I am a believer, I'll see her again. But my emotions are still crushed and fragile.

On August 9, I started my first day as a teacher. I spent several days attending meetings and getting my room ready for the kids to arrive on the 12th. I've been so busy, I haven't had time to sit and wallow in my sadness. It's not that I've forgotten her, because that's just not possible, but I fill the pockets of sadness with activity so I don't feel the depth of the pain that is still there.

If mom had of been here, she would have went with me to the teacher store to get things for my classroom. She would have went up to my school over the weekend to help me put things up and decorate. If she were alive, I could call and talk to her about my days with my lovable and sometimes incorrigable 6th graders....all the ups and downs. She was always there to listen, day or night.

With each passing day, week and month.....I will continue to miss her. Her love validated me...as a person, as a mother and as a wife. Her love was there from the very beginning, creating a world for me that always felt safe. She taught me how to be.

Today is a hard day. I want her here to wrap her arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. That everything I do will turn out fine.

My dearest mother, I miss you and will love you always. Happy Birthday!

ENTRY #5: Don't want to forget

Well, it's been a while since I posted.

I've decided instead of labeling my posts by weeks, I'm going to call them entries. However, I do still plan to do 52 entries over the course of this first year without mom.

Today is two months. Alot has happened in that time. My family and I have had our first Easter, Mother's day, dad's birthday and sister's birthday without mom. Mother's day was the hardest for me.

I'm at a place right now that I'm settling back into normalcy. However, my life isn't normal anymore.

And it's hard because the more I think about mom, the more it hurts. So I try not to think about her, but I don't like that either. Because I don't want to forget her. It's an endless cycle of confusion in my head.

One of the things mom wanted for me was to get healthy. I haven't been doing so well in that department...desserts are my Achilles heel. Logically, I know it's a coping mechanism to help deal with my pain. Yet, it just tastes so good.

I try not to beat myself up too much about it, but at the same time I don't want it to get out of control either. I know its all about baby steps when it comes to embracing a healthier lifestyle, but I'm not quite ready yet.

I've been getting out some, but I still find it comforting to be at home...in the quiet with my thoughts or just spending time with my family.

Can I tell y'all how wonderful my husband is? And my son? They have been such a great support to me through all of this...mom's illness and passing.

They both have been patient with me and are always there when I need a hug or a shoulder to cry on.

And lately, we have just been really connecting as a family.

This past weekend we were having the most loveliest weather in our area. The temperature was mild and the sky was beautifully clear.

So Sunday afternoon, we packed up some food, drinks and games and headed to the park to BBQ. It was so nice. Mike and I navigated the outdoor grill and got some good stuff going. Mateo played on the playground with some other kids and then we ate together as a family.

Afterwards, Mateo ran around some more while Mike and I played cards at the picnic tables. Toward the end of the evening, we met a very nice couple and chatted with them a bit. Finally, we packed up and headed home.

It was an almost perfect day. For those few hours, I took all my pain and anxiety and put it in a little box in my heart. I closed the lid and allowed myself to just be happy. It was refreshing.

Yet, hat night I cried, because those are the kind of days I can never have with mom anymore.

But, I am thankful for the glimpses of hope of a happy and fulfilling life ahead. A life where I will still miss mom and desire for her to be here, but a life where "You [God] have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy. Psalms 30:11

ENTRY #4: Happy (early) Mother's Day to all...

And to all a goodnight!

http://www.jacksonfreepress.com/index.php/site/comments/ode_to_a_mothers_love_050411/

ENTRY #3: A Broken Heart

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

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It has been a month and one day since my beloved mother went home to be with our Creator. As I sit this night, I am heartbroken.

The sting is not as heavy as it was the first couple of days after, but the pain is still there. It lingers in the background. The pain is like a bad taste in your mouth, although you may wash it away it still lingers.

I'm trying to remember all the good memories, the times when she was happy, but it's hard to find those memories in my brain. The most vivid pictures that are playing over and over in my head are of those last two months. And although I cherish those days with her, it was hard watching her be so sick like that.

A friend of mine who lost her brother a few years back, told me that there will be good days and bad. And some days will be bad, but you can still carry on. But then there will be those days that are really, really bad and when those come you just let them happen. You have to let the hurt out, you have to allow yourself to feel it.

Today is one of those days! I feel the hurt in every fiber of my body, every is corner is flooded with sadness. I know things will look brighter in the morning, but for now I will sit here, surrounded by the pieces of my broken heart. And I will mourn.

ENTRY #2: Why no video?

So it's been 18 days since the Lord called mom home.

Things continue to be somewhat of a rollercoaster. Some days I feel hopeful and other days not so much.

I went to mom's grave the other day, that was hard. I guess it just makes it more real. I mean, I know it's real and it happened. But seeing the grave again is so final.

Yet, it was nice to have a place to go and talk to her. Mateo and Mike went with me. Mateo spent a little time alone with her as well.

While at the grave, I kind of just talked to her about what's been going on since she's been gone. And of course I told her I loved her and missed her.

And then yesterday, I was sitting at the gas station (Mike was pumping gas) and I got this overwhelming rush of emotions. And it had to do with the fact that as technologically savvy as I am, I didn't get any videos of my mom over the past couple months or few years since I've been back in Mississippi. Why is that?

It's one of those guilt/regret things that come up alot since she's been gone.

So I was pretty emotional about that. It would have been so great to have something of her just saying "hi" to me or to tell me how proud she is of me. She was always really good at that. No matter how many people tell you "good job" or "you did great", there's something immensely comforting about hearing your mom say it.

I used to get embarrassed when my mom would tell all these random people about things I had done. She'd be like "ShaWanda went to college" or "ShaWanda got married". But deep down I wasn't really embarassed, it really made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Before she passed, when I was sitting in the hospital with her, she had told me how proud she was of me for the way I was raising Mateo. I'm so glad she told me that. And when she told me, I answered back that I learned from her.

It is still extremely hard not having her here. When I do something that would have normally included her, which is alot, I feel empty.

But I've been reading this book by Mary Beth Chapman called "Choosing to See." Mary Beth is the wife of contemporary Christian singer, Steven Curtis Chapman. Back in 2008, their adopted daughter from China Maria (who was about to turn 5) was accidently killed. Will Franklin (one of their biological sons) was pulling into the driveway of their house coming from school and Maria was running to meet him. They didn't see each other in time and he accidentally hit Maria.

Oh my what a sad story! I remember reading about this and thinking how incredibly tragic it was.

So needless to say, Mary Beth knows a thing or two about loss and the pain that follows, she says this in the book:

Page 23--When people ask how wer are doing, the first thing I always say is, "I want Maria back. I want my son Will Franklin not to have this as a chapter in his story. I want my children to be healthy, my family secure. I don't really care whose life has been touched or changed because of our loss!

That is the heart of a mother who lost a daughter and is determined not to lose another child. I believe God can handle my hear, my questions, and my anger. It;s okay to want Maria back. It's okay to be angry. The is question is, what do I do with it all? What do I do with God? In the midst of such heartbreak, do I really believe that all things work together for good for those who love HIm and are called to His purpose?

Wow, that just kind of stops you in your tracks right there. Those are some powerful words.

And that's kind of where I am right now, searching for God's purpose in all this. I know that my mom's death did not come as tragically as the death of this little girl, but loss is painful no matter how it happens.

So my pray, as I read through this book and turn to God's word for answers, that God's reveals to me how mom's battle with cancer and her death will not be in vain. How her story, her legacy will lead others to Christ. And how I can draw closer to him through it all.

Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path. Psalm 119:105 (NLT)