I've been pretty silent on my blog for the past couple of months. Yesterday was 5 months since we lost mom and today is her birthday. She would have been 53 today. My sister and I would have gone up to the house today. We would have cooked something on the bbq and just spent time hanging out together as a family with mom and dad.
I'm still trying to deal with this all. My mind understands that people dying is just a part of life. My spiritual side understands that because she was a believer and that I am a believer, I'll see her again. But my emotions are still crushed and fragile.
On August 9, I started my first day as a teacher. I spent several days attending meetings and getting my room ready for the kids to arrive on the 12th. I've been so busy, I haven't had time to sit and wallow in my sadness. It's not that I've forgotten her, because that's just not possible, but I fill the pockets of sadness with activity so I don't feel the depth of the pain that is still there.
If mom had of been here, she would have went with me to the teacher store to get things for my classroom. She would have went up to my school over the weekend to help me put things up and decorate. If she were alive, I could call and talk to her about my days with my lovable and sometimes incorrigable 6th graders....all the ups and downs. She was always there to listen, day or night.
With each passing day, week and month.....I will continue to miss her. Her love validated me...as a person, as a mother and as a wife. Her love was there from the very beginning, creating a world for me that always felt safe. She taught me how to be.
Today is a hard day. I want her here to wrap her arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. That everything I do will turn out fine.
My dearest mother, I miss you and will love you always. Happy Birthday!
My Beautiful Mother
On our road trip to New Orleans, summer 2008.