My Beautiful Mother

My Beautiful Mother
On our road trip to New Orleans, summer 2008.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

#9-Be Thankful

On Thursday, at my Thanksgiving table, there was a very important person missing...mom.

This time last year, right after Thanksgiving, mom went back into the hospital. She had gotten really sick and ended spending a couple days there. I guess you could say that after Thanksgiving, was when her down spiral began. Because she ended up going back and forth for several weeks, she spent Christmas in the hospital, came home for New Year's and then went back again in January until she passed in March.

Everyone in my family seems to be adjusting (as much as you're able to when you lose something you love so dearly), but things just won't be the same without her.

My mom was like a bright light in a dark room. She smiled alot, her laugh was warm and infectious and she could talk to anyone about anything. She loved all her family and showed it everyday through her actions and her words.

And though I miss her terribly, I am so thankful to have had her. I can't imagine what my life would have been like without her....who I would have been without her.

However, I am still on the roller coaster of grief.

I have found comfort in God, my family, my friends and church.....for which I am thankful for as well.

I am still able to laugh and smile. Yet I must admit that the cloud of sadness is always close by.

I don't cry everything day, but the tears come. Usually at the most random times, but they come. It can be in response to something that reminds me of her or just the overwhelming feeling of loss.

I didn't go to church today (tired and trying to get a cold), but I did listen to a sermon on the Internet. The sermon focused on the scripture in Ephesians 4:27...do not give the devil a foothold.

And what I got out of the message was that if I give the devil a foothold, a place or a door into my heart and my life, he will come in and make a mess of things. And because he feeds off of negativity; the more I dwell on the bad, on the sad, on the grief...the more it will multiply.

The devil wants to end me. He wants to see me dry up and give up. And there are days...weeks...where that's all I want to do...give up.

But I have to believe there is a purpose for my life. That God has given me gifts and talents that he is going to use. I don't see if clearly, but I'm going to keep pressing on in faith...no matter how many times I get knocked down. And lately it seems that I get knocked down everyday.

But I have to remember that I can't sit in it, I can't stew in my own depression, anxiety, sadness and negativity. I've got to keep crying out to God, just like I did when my mom was sick. I've got to keep reaching out my hands and my heart to him.

I have to keep reminding myself to not be angry.

Things will turn around (in time). My heart will heal (in time). God will use me for great things (in time).

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Entry #8-So much to think about

So I went to church this morning. I really love the people at my church.

The pastor said some things day in the message that I've heard before, but I still don't really know how to do:

  • Start where you're at
Where I'm at is a very unhappy and unsettling place. It's a place I don't want to be, but I've been there so long. I'm a glass is half-empty kind of girl. I see the bad before I see the good. So if that's where I'm starting from, how do I see the world differently?
  • You've got to be all in
I don't know what all in means. I get the concept, but I don't really know how to apply that in my own life. Because to be honest, I'm tired. I'm tired of trying so hard and not bearing fruit, not prospering and not feeling like my life is purposeful.
  • Don't let your past (good or past define you)
That's a doozy. The mistakes of my past are still struggles in present. So how do you not let something from your past define you, if you are still living through the consequences of your past. And the good from my past was a time when I was more hopeful. Life seemed to have more possibilities. I still believed in the goodness of God.

So where does that leave me this evening....with alot to think about. I could pray, but what would I say.

Entry #7: Struggling

Last night I went to my book club and we read a book called "Left to Tell". In a nutshell, the book is about this woman who survived the Rwandan genocide. However, she lost most of her family and friends in the process.

I thought the story would give me hope. I thought that after reading the story I would have renewed faith. I thought I would look up from the pages and think "If this lady can still trust God, so can I." But that's not what I felt at all.

I have been struggling lately to believe in God's goodness. When I look at a story like hers, I can easily recognize the times where one would say that God spared her life for a purpose. However, in the back of my mind and in my heart, I just keep wondering why something so horrible had to happen in the first place.

I struggle every day to hold steadfast to my faith.

I know that everyone has their own HLS (hard luck story), but that doesn't change the fact that I miss my mom. I know that things could be worst, I know that I have many things to be thankful for...but I miss her.

My son and I were in the car together a few weeks ago, when we passed a sign that said "Celebrating Cancer Survivors"

And I hear him say, " I wish grandma would have survived." What do you say to that? I know what I am supposed to say...trust in God's will, it was her time, etc, etc.

I am struggling to piece together God's will and his purpose in all this.

It is hard for me to pray these days because I feel that no matter what I pray, if it's not what is in God's will...then it's not going to happen.

Because I prayed so hard for my mom not to die and she still did. And there was nothing I could do about it. We quoted scripture, the elders of the church prayed for her and laid their hands on her....but she still died.

Where was God?

I've tried to not be angry and to not be mad. But I'm FURIOUS!!! I wanted my mom to survive.

I want to be able to call her and see her and to hug her. I am so appreciative for the rest of my family, friends, church, etc....but no one will be ever be able to replace my mom. I don't have a mother anymore. And I'm mad that she is gone.

I'm struggling....

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Entry #6-Mom's birthday

I've been pretty silent on my blog for the past couple of months. Yesterday was 5 months since we lost mom and today is her birthday. She would have been 53 today. My sister and I would have gone up to the house today. We would have cooked something on the bbq and just spent time hanging out together as a family with mom and dad.

I'm still trying to deal with this all. My mind understands that people dying is just a part of life. My spiritual side understands that because she was a believer and that I am a believer, I'll see her again. But my emotions are still crushed and fragile.

On August 9, I started my first day as a teacher. I spent several days attending meetings and getting my room ready for the kids to arrive on the 12th. I've been so busy, I haven't had time to sit and wallow in my sadness. It's not that I've forgotten her, because that's just not possible, but I fill the pockets of sadness with activity so I don't feel the depth of the pain that is still there.

If mom had of been here, she would have went with me to the teacher store to get things for my classroom. She would have went up to my school over the weekend to help me put things up and decorate. If she were alive, I could call and talk to her about my days with my lovable and sometimes incorrigable 6th graders....all the ups and downs. She was always there to listen, day or night.

With each passing day, week and month.....I will continue to miss her. Her love validated me...as a person, as a mother and as a wife. Her love was there from the very beginning, creating a world for me that always felt safe. She taught me how to be.

Today is a hard day. I want her here to wrap her arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. That everything I do will turn out fine.

My dearest mother, I miss you and will love you always. Happy Birthday!

Friday, May 20, 2011

ENTRY #5: Don't want to forget

Well, it's been a while since I posted.

I've decided instead of labeling my posts by weeks, I'm going to call them entries. However, I do still plan to do 52 entries over the course of this first year without mom.

Today is two months. Alot has happened in that time. My family and I have had our first Easter, Mother's day, dad's birthday and sister's birthday without mom. Mother's day was the hardest for me.

I'm at a place right now that I'm settling back into normalcy. However, my life isn't normal anymore.

And it's hard because the more I think about mom, the more it hurts. So I try not to think about her, but I don't like that either. Because I don't want to forget her. It's an endless cycle of confusion in my head.

One of the things mom wanted for me was to get healthy. I haven't been doing so well in that department...desserts are my Achilles heel. Logically, I know it's a coping mechanism to help deal with my pain. Yet, it just tastes so good.

I try not to beat myself up too much about it, but at the same time I don't want it to get out of control either. I know its all about baby steps when it comes to embracing a healthier lifestyle, but I'm not quite ready yet.

I've been getting out some, but I still find it comforting to be at home...in the quiet with my thoughts or just spending time with my family.

Can I tell y'all how wonderful my husband is? And my son? They have been such a great support to me through all of this...mom's illness and passing.

They both have been patient with me and are always there when I need a hug or a shoulder to cry on.

And lately, we have just been really connecting as a family.

This past weekend we were having the most loveliest weather in our area. The temperature was mild and the sky was beautifully clear.

So Sunday afternoon, we packed up some food, drinks and games and headed to the park to BBQ. It was so nice. Mike and I navigated the outdoor grill and got some good stuff going. Mateo played on the playground with some other kids and then we ate together as a family.

Afterwards, Mateo ran around some more while Mike and I played cards at the picnic tables. Toward the end of the evening, we met a very nice couple and chatted with them a bit. Finally, we packed up and headed home.

It was an almost perfect day. For those few hours, I took all my pain and anxiety and put it in a little box in my heart. I closed the lid and allowed myself to just be happy. It was refreshing.

Yet, hat night I cried, because those are the kind of days I can never have with mom anymore.

But, I am thankful for the glimpses of hope of a happy and fulfilling life ahead. A life where I will still miss mom and desire for her to be here, but a life where "You [God] have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy. Psalms 30:11

Thursday, April 21, 2011

ENTRY #3: A Broken Heart

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

***********************************

It has been a month and one day since my beloved mother went home to be with our Creator. As I sit this night, I am heartbroken.

The sting is not as heavy as it was the first couple of days after, but the pain is still there. It lingers in the background. The pain is like a bad taste in your mouth, although you may wash it away it still lingers.

I'm trying to remember all the good memories, the times when she was happy, but it's hard to find those memories in my brain. The most vivid pictures that are playing over and over in my head are of those last two months. And although I cherish those days with her, it was hard watching her be so sick like that.

A friend of mine who lost her brother a few years back, told me that there will be good days and bad. And some days will be bad, but you can still carry on. But then there will be those days that are really, really bad and when those come you just let them happen. You have to let the hurt out, you have to allow yourself to feel it.

Today is one of those days! I feel the hurt in every fiber of my body, every is corner is flooded with sadness. I know things will look brighter in the morning, but for now I will sit here, surrounded by the pieces of my broken heart. And I will mourn.

Friday, April 8, 2011

ENTRY #2: Why no video?

So it's been 18 days since the Lord called mom home.

Things continue to be somewhat of a rollercoaster. Some days I feel hopeful and other days not so much.

I went to mom's grave the other day, that was hard. I guess it just makes it more real. I mean, I know it's real and it happened. But seeing the grave again is so final.

Yet, it was nice to have a place to go and talk to her. Mateo and Mike went with me. Mateo spent a little time alone with her as well.

While at the grave, I kind of just talked to her about what's been going on since she's been gone. And of course I told her I loved her and missed her.

And then yesterday, I was sitting at the gas station (Mike was pumping gas) and I got this overwhelming rush of emotions. And it had to do with the fact that as technologically savvy as I am, I didn't get any videos of my mom over the past couple months or few years since I've been back in Mississippi. Why is that?

It's one of those guilt/regret things that come up alot since she's been gone.

So I was pretty emotional about that. It would have been so great to have something of her just saying "hi" to me or to tell me how proud she is of me. She was always really good at that. No matter how many people tell you "good job" or "you did great", there's something immensely comforting about hearing your mom say it.

I used to get embarrassed when my mom would tell all these random people about things I had done. She'd be like "ShaWanda went to college" or "ShaWanda got married". But deep down I wasn't really embarassed, it really made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Before she passed, when I was sitting in the hospital with her, she had told me how proud she was of me for the way I was raising Mateo. I'm so glad she told me that. And when she told me, I answered back that I learned from her.

It is still extremely hard not having her here. When I do something that would have normally included her, which is alot, I feel empty.

But I've been reading this book by Mary Beth Chapman called "Choosing to See." Mary Beth is the wife of contemporary Christian singer, Steven Curtis Chapman. Back in 2008, their adopted daughter from China Maria (who was about to turn 5) was accidently killed. Will Franklin (one of their biological sons) was pulling into the driveway of their house coming from school and Maria was running to meet him. They didn't see each other in time and he accidentally hit Maria.

Oh my what a sad story! I remember reading about this and thinking how incredibly tragic it was.

So needless to say, Mary Beth knows a thing or two about loss and the pain that follows, she says this in the book:

Page 23--When people ask how wer are doing, the first thing I always say is, "I want Maria back. I want my son Will Franklin not to have this as a chapter in his story. I want my children to be healthy, my family secure. I don't really care whose life has been touched or changed because of our loss!

That is the heart of a mother who lost a daughter and is determined not to lose another child. I believe God can handle my hear, my questions, and my anger. It;s okay to want Maria back. It's okay to be angry. The is question is, what do I do with it all? What do I do with God? In the midst of such heartbreak, do I really believe that all things work together for good for those who love HIm and are called to His purpose?

Wow, that just kind of stops you in your tracks right there. Those are some powerful words.

And that's kind of where I am right now, searching for God's purpose in all this. I know that my mom's death did not come as tragically as the death of this little girl, but loss is painful no matter how it happens.

So my pray, as I read through this book and turn to God's word for answers, that God's reveals to me how mom's battle with cancer and her death will not be in vain. How her story, her legacy will lead others to Christ. And how I can draw closer to him through it all.

Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path. Psalm 119:105 (NLT)

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

ENTRY #1: Where do I go from here?

It's been 8 days since my mom passed. And what an 8 days it has been.

I can't sleep. Mateo just came in, he had a bad dream.

There is a huge void in my life and my heart now that my mom is gone. As I prepare to "re-enter" the world on Wednesday (going back to work), I don't know how to go back to my regular routine without her.

I've been reading about the stages of grief and it is alot to process:

1. Shock
2. Pain and guilt
3. Anger and bargaining
4. Depression, reflection, loneliness
5. The upward turn
6. Reconstruction and working through
7. Acceptance and hope

Man that's alot! When it comes to emotions, I'm not a very patient person...atleast not with myself. Maybe I used to be, but I'm not so much anymore.

I don't know if it's because of the depression I went through for several years after Mateo was born. That was such a difficult time in my life and I don't want to go back to that place again.

Since mom died, I have been a jumble of emotions. But right now, I think the pain of it is all is hitting me the hardest.

I fully accept that it was mom's time and that only God knows why, but I still want her back. I want to be able to pick up the phone and call her. I want to drive up to Canton, pull up to my parents house and walk through the door back to her room and find her sitting there watching TV.

I want to hear voice and have her tell me what or what not to do. I want my mom..

And right now, in this moment, I'm afraid. Why? Because life is so fragile. I always liked the saying, carpe diem (seize the day), but man does that take on a different meaning when you've lost someone.

There is this part of me that wants to just retreat within myself and fall apart...unravel stitch by stitch. The part that just wants to be selfish and say "Whoa is me."

But then there is this other part of me that refuses to let that happen. That part, says "You know what, yes it sucks that mom died. And yes you are going to miss her and you are going to be sad, but you have to live life. You can't just give up. If mom saw you giving up, she would kick your butt."

I feel pain because I wanted more time with mom. I feel pain because although I spent alot of time with mom, I could have spent more.

It's such a paradox. On the one hand grief takes time. And when grieving you're not supposed to rush it, you just let it happen naturally...allow yourself to be sad.

But at the same time, if you grieve too long (whatever too long is), then you are missing out on opportunities to live. You are missing out on opportunities to create new memories with the people you love that are still here. If you allow your grief to consume you, it might contaminate your other relationships.

But then the pendulum swings back the other way and you feel like you are dishonoring your deceased loved one because you laughed or did something fun without them.

Logically, I know that it's not going to make sense. Feeling and emotions are complicated.

So through this first year without mom, I'm going to share what I'm feelings with whoever wants to listen.

My goal is to write atleast once a week for the next 52 weeks.

And it is my sincere hope that at the end of the 52 weeks, I will be a stronger individual and have more clarity about mom's death. That I will learn how to take on the difficult task of honoring my mother's memory while at the same time learning to walk through this life without her here. How to keep her memory alive in my mind and heart, without feeling the sting of her death as intensely as I feel it now.

And in 52 weeks, I am anxious to see what God will do with my life. How he will use me.

And yes, I know my journey will not stop at 52 weeks, but it is the timeframe I am focusing on right now.

Well I'm going to try to get some sleep now.

-ShaWanda