My Beautiful Mother

My Beautiful Mother
On our road trip to New Orleans, summer 2008.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

ENTRY #3: A Broken Heart

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.

Psalm 73:26

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

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It has been a month and one day since my beloved mother went home to be with our Creator. As I sit this night, I am heartbroken.

The sting is not as heavy as it was the first couple of days after, but the pain is still there. It lingers in the background. The pain is like a bad taste in your mouth, although you may wash it away it still lingers.

I'm trying to remember all the good memories, the times when she was happy, but it's hard to find those memories in my brain. The most vivid pictures that are playing over and over in my head are of those last two months. And although I cherish those days with her, it was hard watching her be so sick like that.

A friend of mine who lost her brother a few years back, told me that there will be good days and bad. And some days will be bad, but you can still carry on. But then there will be those days that are really, really bad and when those come you just let them happen. You have to let the hurt out, you have to allow yourself to feel it.

Today is one of those days! I feel the hurt in every fiber of my body, every is corner is flooded with sadness. I know things will look brighter in the morning, but for now I will sit here, surrounded by the pieces of my broken heart. And I will mourn.

Friday, April 8, 2011

ENTRY #2: Why no video?

So it's been 18 days since the Lord called mom home.

Things continue to be somewhat of a rollercoaster. Some days I feel hopeful and other days not so much.

I went to mom's grave the other day, that was hard. I guess it just makes it more real. I mean, I know it's real and it happened. But seeing the grave again is so final.

Yet, it was nice to have a place to go and talk to her. Mateo and Mike went with me. Mateo spent a little time alone with her as well.

While at the grave, I kind of just talked to her about what's been going on since she's been gone. And of course I told her I loved her and missed her.

And then yesterday, I was sitting at the gas station (Mike was pumping gas) and I got this overwhelming rush of emotions. And it had to do with the fact that as technologically savvy as I am, I didn't get any videos of my mom over the past couple months or few years since I've been back in Mississippi. Why is that?

It's one of those guilt/regret things that come up alot since she's been gone.

So I was pretty emotional about that. It would have been so great to have something of her just saying "hi" to me or to tell me how proud she is of me. She was always really good at that. No matter how many people tell you "good job" or "you did great", there's something immensely comforting about hearing your mom say it.

I used to get embarrassed when my mom would tell all these random people about things I had done. She'd be like "ShaWanda went to college" or "ShaWanda got married". But deep down I wasn't really embarassed, it really made me all warm and fuzzy inside.

Before she passed, when I was sitting in the hospital with her, she had told me how proud she was of me for the way I was raising Mateo. I'm so glad she told me that. And when she told me, I answered back that I learned from her.

It is still extremely hard not having her here. When I do something that would have normally included her, which is alot, I feel empty.

But I've been reading this book by Mary Beth Chapman called "Choosing to See." Mary Beth is the wife of contemporary Christian singer, Steven Curtis Chapman. Back in 2008, their adopted daughter from China Maria (who was about to turn 5) was accidently killed. Will Franklin (one of their biological sons) was pulling into the driveway of their house coming from school and Maria was running to meet him. They didn't see each other in time and he accidentally hit Maria.

Oh my what a sad story! I remember reading about this and thinking how incredibly tragic it was.

So needless to say, Mary Beth knows a thing or two about loss and the pain that follows, she says this in the book:

Page 23--When people ask how wer are doing, the first thing I always say is, "I want Maria back. I want my son Will Franklin not to have this as a chapter in his story. I want my children to be healthy, my family secure. I don't really care whose life has been touched or changed because of our loss!

That is the heart of a mother who lost a daughter and is determined not to lose another child. I believe God can handle my hear, my questions, and my anger. It;s okay to want Maria back. It's okay to be angry. The is question is, what do I do with it all? What do I do with God? In the midst of such heartbreak, do I really believe that all things work together for good for those who love HIm and are called to His purpose?

Wow, that just kind of stops you in your tracks right there. Those are some powerful words.

And that's kind of where I am right now, searching for God's purpose in all this. I know that my mom's death did not come as tragically as the death of this little girl, but loss is painful no matter how it happens.

So my pray, as I read through this book and turn to God's word for answers, that God's reveals to me how mom's battle with cancer and her death will not be in vain. How her story, her legacy will lead others to Christ. And how I can draw closer to him through it all.

Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path. Psalm 119:105 (NLT)